Like Michael Jordan with the Wizards and Brett Favre six times, many people that left at the peak of their powers feel the urge to come back to prove they’ve still got it. Maybe it’s the tedium of sitting on the same island and the same yachts every day, or maybe it’s the frustration in seeing young guns taking what used to be yours. We here at NSD can’t get in the minds of the greats, but lucky for us, the pre-eminent guest writer of NSD, MemoFromTurner, felt the itch both creatively and physically (Quote: “I thought Lifestyles were the best out there!) and is back with two more Cuts O’ Beef, this time touching on the superficially classy and hipsters. Enjoy.
Cut O’Beef: Beef Tartare
Celebrity Example: Ashley “Client 9” Dupre
Theme Song: “Tangerine” by Big Boi feat. T.I.
Our next Cut O’ Beef is the Beef Tartare. Beef Tartare is superficially a classy, pricey Cut—found almost exclusively at swanky restaurants as a heavily garnished appetizer. Cut through all the fanfare, however, and you’re still left with a piece of raw Beef, albeit one of generally high quality. Beef Tartares may come dressed to the nines, well made-up and heavily perfumed but deep down they are just selling pure, raw sex appeal. Beef Tartares can be found in 4-star hotel lobby bars in revealing cocktail dresses, sipping vodka sodas and eyeing down every investment banker that comes through the door. A Beef Tartare is totally unafraid of maintaining eye contact, giving the undeniable impression that she knows that you know that she knows that you are giving her looks from across the bar (and she loves it). Ever notice how most Cuts get self-conscious when trying out a tight, short skirt on NSD, constantly fidgeting and smoothing down the material because they are worried about showing too much? Beef Tartares don’t have that problem. Continue reading
MemoFromTurner completes his epic masterpiece on the Cut O’ Beef Index, a series that has already garnered a Pullitzer prize, a Caldecott Medal, and has been nominated for the Nobel Prize for Literature. As the other entrants are David Foster Wallace’s The Pale King and Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom, both of which are mainstream novels with the writing level of a third grader, The Cut O’ Beef Index is an early favorite. Not since R.L. Stein’s 85 Goosebumps books has a series so inspired an entire nation. Thanks to MemoFromTurner, you’re welcome back on NSD anytime. If you missed Parts I-III, click here: Part I Part II Part III
Cut O’ Beef: Ribeye
Celebrity Example: Christina Hendricks
Song: “Legs” by ZZ Top
Our next Cut O’ Beef is the Ribeye. The gentle marbling of a good Ribeye steak gives the Cut its incredible texture and flavor. Likewise, the soft curves of Ribeyes give these girls tremendous sex appeal and an unmatched joie de vivre among the various Cuts. Celebrities like Beyonce and Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks have done much to bring this Cut back in vogue in recent years but to be honest I’m not quite sure why it ever left. Save those 105lb twigs for lesser men; I like my women to look like, well, women. To be blunt, I’m a tits-and-ass man myself and can appreciate the delicate art of a Ribeye that is hard in all the right places and soft in all the right places. Furthermore, what guy doesn’t want a girl that doesn’t mind occasionally ordering a burger or splitting the wings at a bar? Ribeyes understand that there is more to life than the endless pursuit of weight loss and don’t mind throwing back a few beers with the boys while watching the game.
Guest writer MemoFromTurner unveils two more cuts in his series on the Cut O’ Beef Index. Be sure to read Part I and Part II if you haven’t already.
Cut O’ Beef: Porterhouse
Celebrity Example: Candace Parker
Song: “Long Tall Sally” by Little Richard
Our next Cut O’ Beef is the Porterhouse. You know those restaurants that give you a free meal and put your name on the wall if you can manage to finish a massive 64-ounce steak? Porterhouses are the female equivalent: extremely tall, often beautiful girls that are unfortunately unavailable to any guy that is not big enough to handle such a large woman. Porterhouses have horrible anxiety about appearing goon-like while socializing with men that they dwarf and will instantly latch on to any guy that is a few inches taller than them. This is great news for 6-foot plus guys like me who find themselves firmly locked in the sights of these Amazons desperate to unleash their pent-up insecurities and anxieties on any man tall enough to wear heels out to dinner with. Continue reading
The Cut O’ Beef Index from Guest writer MemoFromTurner continues below. If you missed Part I, click Here
Cut O’ Beef: Skirt Steak
Celebrity Example: Paris Hilton
Song: “Your Love is My Drug” by Ke$ha
Our next Cut O’ Beef is the Skirt Steak. Skirt Steak is the Cut that most Mexican restaurants use for their fajitas—it is cheap and a little tough but it tastes pretty good when dressed up the right way and after a few margaritas with your buddies. Skirt Steaks are the kind of girls you pick up at a bar—they’re not a lot of work, they won’t put a big dent in your paycheck, you can share them with friends and they have enough sizzle to get everyone in the room to turn their heads as they go by. Like a round of tequila shots at 2:30am, experiences with Skirt Steaks can go one of two ways—a fun, drunken time and a good story or a multi-day hangover disaster. Unfortunately, Skirt Steaks usually walk the razor’s edge of sanity in their day-to-day lives so you will either catch them on a good day (resulting in a guilt-free one-night stand) or a bad day (resulting in weeks of hysteric text messaging and general post-coital regret). On National Skirt Day Skirt Steaks can be seen in the classic jean skirt (with well-placed rips and paint splatters courtesy of Abercrombie & Fitch), a too-short skirt and blazer combo that probably doesn’t pass HR’s dress code at work or one of those cotton dresses that have tight, short skirts and leave nothing to the imagination in the club. Continue reading
In the first of a four-part series, avid NSD reader and guest columnist MemoFromTurner proposes an index for rating girls we can all relate to, the Cut O’ Beef Index. Enjoy.
Now that Lady Gaga has made the old “Objectifying Women with Meat Metaphors” trick cool again with her infamous meat dress at the 2010 VMAs, I would like to take this opportunity to make some Meat Metaphors of my own here at NationalSkirtDay.com. Please keep in mind that this post is a piece of Performance Art and, as such, anyone offended by the words contained within just don’t get the joke and are probably brainwashed by the very same corporate / conservative / homophobic / oppressive monoculture that visionaries like myself and Lady Gaga are bent on smashing. It’s ironic, get it? (Note: This Performance Art piece is intended to be a multimedia experience. I think you will find that the theme songs provide a fairly accurate audio/visual description of each Cut [major props to Mick Jagger for saying what I didn’t have the balls to say publicly], as well as being 9 pretty great songs in their own right.) Continue reading