The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part IV

29 Apr

MemoFromTurner completes his epic masterpiece on the Cut O’ Beef Index, a series that has already garnered a Pullitzer prize, a Caldecott Medal, and has been nominated for the Nobel Prize for Literature.  As the other entrants are David Foster Wallace’s The Pale King and Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom, both of which are mainstream novels with the writing level of a third grader, The Cut O’ Beef Index is an early favorite.  Not since R.L. Stein’s 85 Goosebumps books has a series so inspired an entire nation.  Thanks to MemoFromTurner, you’re welcome back on NSD anytime.  If you missed Parts I-III, click here:  Part I    Part II    Part III

Cut O’ Beef: Ribeye
Celebrity Example: Christina Hendricks
Song: “Legs” by ZZ Top

Our next Cut O’ Beef is the Ribeye.  The gentle marbling of a good Ribeye steak gives the Cut its incredible texture and flavor.  Likewise, the soft curves of Ribeyes give these girls tremendous sex appeal and an unmatched joie de vivre among the various Cuts.  Celebrities like Beyonce and Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks have done much to bring this Cut back in vogue in recent years but to be honest I’m not quite sure why it ever left.  Save those 105lb twigs for lesser men; I like my women to look like, well, women.  To be blunt, I’m a tits-and-ass man myself and can appreciate the delicate art of a Ribeye that is hard in all the right places and soft in all the right places.  Furthermore, what guy doesn’t want a girl that doesn’t mind occasionally ordering a burger or splitting the wings at a bar?  Ribeyes understand that there is more to life than the endless pursuit of weight loss and don’t mind throwing back a few beers with the boys while watching the game. 

At the same time, Ribeyes often have a ferocious sassiness and aren’t afraid to put you in your place when you step out of line (and let’s face it, we all need that sort of ego-deflating honesty every now and then).  National Skirt Day is the Ribeyes’ time to shine.  Ribeyes’ asses often look squished and flat in jeans but on that glorious April morning they are free to show off the goods in those four-inch heels and tight skirt.  In the words of the immortal ZZ Top, “She’s got legs, and she knows how to use them.”  While the Filet Mignon may be leaner, classier and more expensive, the Ribeye’s flavor is unparalleled.

Cut O’ Beef: Filet Mignon
Celebrity Example: Kate Upton
Song: “Wisdom Body” by Ghostface Killah

Our final Cut O’ Beef is the Filet Mignon.  The Filet Mignon is the absolute pinnacle of Beef—lean, perfectly proportioned and exceedingly elegant.  Filet Mignon is the Grade-A, USDA Prime, one-in-ten-thousand Cut that most men can only gaze at through the window.  Filet Mignons are the cream-of-the-crop and they know it.  They demand respect, gentlemanly conduct, a refined taste and an outsized paycheck to boot.  Gentlemen, please do not think that a Filet Mignon can be approached the same way you would approach, say, a Skirt Steak.  Bagging a Filet Mignon requires total confidence and constant attention to detail.  A night with a Filet Mignon often begins by opening an ’03 Silver Oak Cab to let breathe, sharing a Caesar salad for two prepared tableside, sampling the foie gras appetizer over the quiet, melodic sounds emanating from the piano, exchanging light banter over the relative weakness of the latest Picasso exhibit at MoMA vs. the Matisse exhibit at the Met, all the while thinking idly about your first taste of that warm, red center… but I digress.  The point here is that Filet Mignons won’t fall for your standard “wine ‘em, dine ‘em, stand-up 69 ‘em” routine.  It also goes without saying that a single Filet Mignon can just dominate National Skirt Day.  Whether consciously or not, girls across the Cut O’ Beef Index know that a strong National Skirt Day showing can boost their stock for an entire summer and a Filet Mignon sighting can have disastrous effects on self-esteem among the lower Cuts.  Picture a newly trim London Broil vying for Ribeye status or a reformed Skirt Steak craving the respectability of a Sirloin.  In an instant those dreams can be crushed by a set of long, athletic legs, firm ass and perfect C-cup breasts wearing that tight size-2 dress that no one else in their right minds would try to fit into.

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