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The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part III

27 Apr

Guest writer MemoFromTurner unveils two more cuts in his series on the Cut O’ Beef Index.  Be sure to read Part I and Part II if you haven’t already.

Cut O’ Beef: Porterhouse
Celebrity Example: Candace Parker
Song: “Long Tall Sally” by Little Richard

Our next Cut O’ Beef is the Porterhouse.  You know those restaurants that give you a free meal and put your name on the wall if you can manage to finish a massive 64-ounce steak?  Porterhouses are the female equivalent: extremely tall, often beautiful girls that are unfortunately unavailable to any guy that is not big enough to handle such a large woman.  Porterhouses have horrible anxiety about appearing goon-like while socializing with men that they dwarf and will instantly latch on to any guy that is a few inches taller than them.  This is great news for 6-foot plus guys like me who find themselves firmly locked in the sights of these Amazons desperate to unleash their pent-up insecurities and anxieties on any man tall enough to wear heels out to dinner with.  The sexual intensity of your average Porterhouse is far greater than that of any other Cut.  One of my high school friends lost his virginity to a 5’11” volleyball player nicknamed “The Hammer” that got him blackout, locked him in a room and told him he couldn’t leave until he fucked her (had the roles been reversed, I’m fairly certain that would be considered rape).  National Skirt Day is a time of even greater anxiety for Porterhouses—they often feel self-conscious about the way their legs look and all of the extra attention certainly does not help.  Many Porterhouses choose to play it conservative with a London Broil-esque full-length skirt.  However those few Porterhouses bold enough to show some skin are often rewarded by admiring stares at their long, muscular legs and firm, round asses.

Cut O’ Beef: New York Strip
Celebrity Example: Leighton Meester
Song: “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel

Our next Cut O’ Beef is the New York Strip.  Like a client dinner at Ruth’s Chris, New York Strips are free on the surface but come with a whole host of unspoken obligations.  Sure, it sounds like fun to spend Memorial Day weekend at her mother’s second husband’s house in the Hamptons but do you really want to go to that engagement party in Dallas, spa weekend in Phoenix, and daddy’s third wedding to a 24 year-old secretary in La Jolla as well? New York Strips come from those massively fucked-up East Coast families whose daughters have resorted to retail therapy and recreational drug abuse to cope.  On National Skirt Day one can find New York Strips decked out in the latest fashions from Bergdorf Goodman replete with $400 “fuck-you” sunglasses from Dolce & Gabbana, $1000 Louis Vuitton bags and $800 Jimmy Choo stilettos.  All in all, New York Strips are a pretty good catch as long as you remember there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Click here for the final installment of the Cut O’ Beef Index: Part IV

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2 Responses to “The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part III”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part II « National Skirt Day - April 27, 2011

    […] here for Part III in the Cut ‘O Beef Index […]

  2. The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part IV « National Skirt Day - April 29, 2011

    […] MemoFromTurner completes his epic masterpiece on the Cut O’ Beef Index, a series that has already garnered a Pullitzer prize, a Caldecott Medal, and has been nominated for the Nobel Prize for Literature.  As the other entrants are David Foster Wallace’s The Pale King and Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom, both of which are mainstream novels with the writing level of a third grader, The Cut O’ Beef Index is an early favorite.  Not since R.L. Stein’s 85 Goosebumps books has a series so inspired an entire nation.  Thanks to MemoFromTurner, you’re welcome back on NSD anytime.  If you missed Parts I-III, click here:  Part I    Part II    Part III […]

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