The Cut O’ Beef Index from Guest writer MemoFromTurner continues below. If you missed Part I, click Here
Cut O’ Beef: Skirt Steak
Celebrity Example: Paris Hilton
Song: “Your Love is My Drug” by Ke$ha
Our next Cut O’ Beef is the Skirt Steak. Skirt Steak is the Cut that most Mexican restaurants use for their fajitas—it is cheap and a little tough but it tastes pretty good when dressed up the right way and after a few margaritas with your buddies. Skirt Steaks are the kind of girls you pick up at a bar—they’re not a lot of work, they won’t put a big dent in your paycheck, you can share them with friends and they have enough sizzle to get everyone in the room to turn their heads as they go by. Like a round of tequila shots at 2:30am, experiences with Skirt Steaks can go one of two ways—a fun, drunken time and a good story or a multi-day hangover disaster. Unfortunately, Skirt Steaks usually walk the razor’s edge of sanity in their day-to-day lives so you will either catch them on a good day (resulting in a guilt-free one-night stand) or a bad day (resulting in weeks of hysteric text messaging and general post-coital regret). On National Skirt Day Skirt Steaks can be seen in the classic jean skirt (with well-placed rips and paint splatters courtesy of Abercrombie & Fitch), a too-short skirt and blazer combo that probably doesn’t pass HR’s dress code at work or one of those cotton dresses that have tight, short skirts and leave nothing to the imagination in the club.
Cut O’ Beef: Sirloin
Celebrity Example: Jenna Fischer
Song: “Hot for Teacher” by Van Halen
Our next Cut O’ Beef is the Sirloin. Sirloin is a classic middle-of-the-road Cut—flexible, dependable and always tasty. Whether served as a $7.99 steak special at Outback, chopped up in a Philly cheesesteak, or ground into hamburger meat, Sirloin is a great bang-for-your-buck option that will always fill you up. To borrow a term from Bill Simmons, Sirloins are the kind of “sneaky-hot” girls at work that never get mentioned as the hottest girl in the office during water cooler chats (more appropriately known as G-chats since this is the 21st Century and we don’t talk to people face-to-face anymore) but who you still find yourself daydreaming of fucking when you go home at night. Sirloins are also those 8th grade English teachers that weren’t really that good looking but still gave you uncomfortable adolescent boners in class anyway. The enduring popularity of both the office seduction and student/teacher porn genres owes much to the Sirloins of the world. More than any other Cut, Sirloins have the best chance of raising their profile on National Skirt Day. Sirloins’ attire is often victim to the day-to-day drudgery of the workforce—all untailored pantsuits, wrinkled blouses and knee-length skirts. National Skirt Day gives Sirloins the opportunity to show off their brand-new spring outfits from J. Crew: conservative but with just enough skin to leave you begging for more.
Cut O’ Beef: Veal
Celebrity Example: Miley Cyrus
Song: “Stray Cat Blues” by Rolling Stones
After consultation with the NationalSkirtDay.com legal team, we have decided that this is a line that we perhaps should not cross. Next.
Click here for Part III in the Cut ‘O Beef Index series.