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The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part I

19 Apr

In the first of a four-part series, avid NSD reader and guest columnist MemoFromTurner proposes an index for rating girls we can all relate to, the Cut O’ Beef Index.  Enjoy.

Now that Lady Gaga has made the old “Objectifying Women with Meat Metaphors” trick cool again with her infamous meat dress at the 2010 VMAs, I would like to take this opportunity to make some Meat Metaphors of my own here at NationalSkirtDay.com.  Please keep in mind that this post is a piece of Performance Art and, as such, anyone offended by the words contained within just don’t get the joke and are probably brainwashed by the very same corporate / conservative / homophobic / oppressive monoculture that visionaries like myself and Lady Gaga are bent on smashing.  It’s ironic, get it?  (Note: This Performance Art piece is intended to be a multimedia experience.  I think you will find that the theme songs provide a fairly accurate audio/visual description of each Cut [major props to Mick Jagger for saying what I didn’t have the balls to say publicly], as well as being 9 pretty great songs in their own right.)

Anyways, mankind has always been obsessed with taxonomy—endlessly identifying, cataloguing and organizing information to create hierarchical structures that make sense to the human mind.  One such hierarchy is the sorority system at most American universities.  Learning a girl’s sorority can tell you all sorts of useful information that would otherwise take you hours of worthless conversation to figure out: availability, sluttiness, socioeconomic status, religious background, alcohol/drug use habits, approximate sanity level, etc.  Unfortunately, this useful social stratification mechanism is unavailable to us out in the real world.  Luckily, your friends at NationalSkirtDay.com have devised what we call the Cut O’ Beef Index—a detailed breakdown of every type of girl you can expect to see during National Skirt Day complete with a celebrity example and theme song for each.  You will now have the ability to exchange coded exclamations with your friends as you sample the wares of our favorite day (e.g. “Get a load of that London Broil” or “She may look like a Porterhouse but deep down she’s probably just Roast Beef”), at least until this blog blows up and we all become anonymously famous (you know, like the WWTDD guy).

Cut O’ Beef: London Broil
Celebrity Example: Kirstie Alley
Song: “Fat-Bottomed Girls” by Queen

Our first Cut O’ Beef is the London Broil.  In the never-ending battle between healthy living and completely letting oneself go, London Broils have all but given up the fight.  A fixture of greasy diners and all-you-can-eat barbeque joints, London Broils are a cardiac attack waiting to happen.  As this particularly tough Cut O’ Beef must be heavily tenderized and often slathered with barbeque sauce just to be edible, so too must London Broils douse themselves in perfume and work to fit into too-tight clothing to maintain a semblance of sex appeal.  Unfortunately for them, National Skirt Day is the great equalizer and the first opportunity for all mankind to see just how many hours you really put in at the gym over the winter (and no, walking to PinkBerry in Lululemon athletic gear instead of driving does not count).  On National Skirt Day London Broils will often go with the billowy, flowery skirt that falls to mid-calf and allows no one to see what their legs really look like.  London Broils can usually be seen commuting to work in tennis shoes because, as mentioned above, they have more or less given up hope of meeting a stranger on the subway and might as well be comfortable while they read Danielle Steel novels on their Kindle.

Cut O’ Beef: Roast Beef
Celebrity Example: Courtney Love
Song: “So Appalled” by Kanye West

Our next Cut O’ Beef is the Roast Beef.  Since I assume all of our male readers already get the joke here, I prefer to move on to the next Cut so as to avoid further offending our precious few female readers with a graphic description.

Click here for Part II

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4 Responses to “The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part I”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part II « National Skirt Day - April 21, 2011

    […] The Cut O’ Beef Index from Guest writer MemoFromTurner continues below.  If you missed Part I, click Here […]

  2. The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part IV « National Skirt Day - April 29, 2011

    […] you’re welcome back on NSD anytime.  If you missed Parts I-III, click here:  Part I    Part II    Part […]

  3. The Cut O’ Beef Index: Part III « National Skirt Day - April 29, 2011

    […] unveils two more cuts in his series on the Cut O’ Beef Index.  Be sure to read Part I and Part II if you haven’t […]

  4. Skirt Jam of the Week – Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz – Get Low « National Skirt Day - April 27, 2012

    […] shout out the chorus.  This is also the time to congratulate guest writer and creator of the Cuts O’ Beef series from last year, MemoFromTurner, a proud supporter of this song who is getting married this […]

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