Without question, the Masters is the best sporting event of the year. In what other event do they exclusively serve Mint Juleps on the course, while both everyone in attendance and on the playing field wears visors and polos. Augusta doesn’t take shit from anyone, whether its blatantly ignoring Martha Burk’s attempt to let women in, forcing the announcers to call the rough the “second cut” since “nothing is rough on this course” or banning all backwards hats and iPods on the course. What other tournament lets the winner host a dinner afterward, with only past winners invited and everyone required to wear their identical green jackets? The tournament also inspires some of the best TV coverage of the year, with Jim Nantz opening each round with a chills-inducing monologue and only one commercial break an hour. Since no one wants to see pictures of Phil Mickelson’s man tits, we’ve outlined some of the top contenders for this weekend’s action, but with the most representative females for each.
The Hot Up and Comer: Rory McIlroy (Katrina Bowden) At only 21 years of age and dozens of top ten finishes, a successful Ryder Cup appearance, and a 3rd place finish at the British Open last year, McIlroy is definitely the hot prospect of the moment in the golf world. The biggest question is whether he can keep his nerves in check, as he followed a 63 at the British last year with an 80 the next day to fall out of contention. Katrina Bowden is the best comparison here, coming out of seemingly nowhere to land a huge role on 30 Rock and a front page spread in Esquire as this year’s “Sexiest Woman Alive.” I can’t argue with that after seeing these pictures. We expect big things from both McElroy and Katrina after what theyve shown so far.
The Defending Champ: Phil Mickelson (Megan Fox) Phil Mickelson is the biggest douche in the game. “But he’s so nice and personable! Everyone loves him! He’s so happy on the course!” Please. Phil is the biggest fake since Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore. On the surface he has perfected himself as the anti-Tiger, the everyman, the family man, the nice guy “just out there having fun!” Phil’s incredible arrogance is the worst kept secret on the PGA tour, and as a “family man?” Let’s just say rumors are he’s not too much different than Tiger in that sense. Personality aside, Phil’s game is infuriating to watch, as he crumbles in every big situation and routinely misses tap in putts in big moments. Phil is great on the surface, but inside, he sucks. That’s why Meghan Fox is the best comparison here. On the surface, she’s ridiculously hot, winning the sexiest woman alive title for years until finally America figured out she actually is a TERRIBLE actress and has the personality of a rock. After being blinded by her hotness, America finally came to their senses and realized she shouldn’t ever be anything other than a super hot girl, and justly she has been fired from Transformers and relegated to movies like Jonah Hex that no one will see. And that’s what should happen to Phil. He’ll always be a great golfer, with an incredible short game in which we can marvel. But “America’s golfer?” No. Eventually, America will figure you out Phil.
The Down-and-Out Former Star: Tiger Woods (Jennifer Aniston) Two years ago, Tiger was on top of the world, having won 14 majors by the age of 30, coming off one of the greatest victories in all of sports by winning the U.S. Open with a broken leg and torn ACL and MCL and hobbling all over the course for five days while America cheered him. He was a family man, an incredible competitor, a person that inspired millions around the world. Then Thanksgiving happened. Ever since, his game has been in disarray while he desperately tries to rebuild his image both on and off the course. Needless to say, it hasn’t worked yet. That incredible resolve, that fire that would light under him in any pressure situation, that unmovable presence he commanded on the golf course on Sundays, it’s been absent, leaving all of the golf world waiting for the day it returns. It may not be this tournament, but it will be soon. Jennifer Aniston serves as the best comparison here, as she had it all just a few years ago. She was at her absolute peak in hotness, starring in hit movies like Bruce Almighty, Along Came Polly, and posing on the cover of GQ wearing only a tie. She was married to Brad Pitt, had just come off of the most successful sitcom of all time, and had all of America in love with her. Now she is a shell of her former self, starring in horrible romcom after horrible romcom while apparently being so crazy that being a hot 40 year old super rich actress can’t land her a guy for more than two weeks. She’ll be back. So will Tiger.
The Grisled Vet: Freddy Couples (Sandra Bullock) This was the easiest comparison of them all. Freddy Couples has been America’s favorite golfer for decades, seemingly just “one of the guys” out there playing golf and having fun, with his sneaker golf shoes and amiable nature. His lone major win, the ’92 Masters, still goes down in Augusta lore as having the loudest roars by the patrons of all time, as their hero won on the biggest golf stage of the year. The thing is, Freddy is 51 years old now. Golfers’ skills start to deteriorate in their mid 40s, and in most cases they are never the same again. Freddy has somehow avoided that completely, contending throughout the year on the PGA tour and winning multiple times on the Champions tour as well. Now he again is in the mix at the Masters near the top of the leaderboard. As for Sandra Bullock, America has loved her for years, and at 48 years old, is somehow still hot and is now rumored to be dating Ryan Reynolds who is about 20 years younger than her and just got done banging Scarlett Johansson. If I were Jesse James, I would have left the country the second that shit came out about him. How would it feel to be hated by 300 million Americans at once? Only he (and Chris Brown) can say.