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Know Yourself: Finding the Right Skirt For You

29 Mar

  Today we have a guest post from a reader that desperately wanted to express his opinion on skirt day.  Here is what he has to say…

As many of us well know National Skirt Day can creep on men like a chub on a bumpy road, while the same, however, can not be said for women.  April 7th represents a special time of year when the first glints of warm, golden light begin shining on well manicured legs and feet from the amber waves of grain to the fruited plains.  But any man that assumes that this is a natural phenomenon is drastically mistaken. By the time men are dropping their jaws at skirts that can appear to come out of nowhere, women have been have been meticulously preparing to make it impossible to produce anything of value at work and cause us to get distracted enough to ram into the side of my neighbors front porch.

      It starts with appropriate skin color coordination.  Ladies need to get this right early so they don’t look like Snooki on a Hot Tin Roof.  In the old days women were forced to expose themselves to harmful UV light to reach the perfect level of fake tan, but recent technological achievements that rival that of the iPhone and fantasti.cc have allowed women to safely spray synthetic hotness on for no more than a trip to CVS. Tanning is only the first step in a long process that ends in finding that 35 year old lawyer that will make your dreams come true. Then, you must make sure that there is absolutely no evidence of your natural hair color and that your hair emanates an angelic hue to serve as a beacon of your hotness.  It’s like a bloody leg in a pool of Great White sharks.  I myself have been known to spot bleached blonde hair from two and a half miles away using nothing more than my peripheral vision and animal instinct.  This isn’t amateur hour ladies.  Please make it easier on us.  At this point, many women skip straight to buying all the freshest outfits, painting their toe nails and putting glitter on their face and chest (is that outdated now? I don’t know).  Women are way too quick to swipe their credit cards on skirts without realizing that just like your voice or facial expression, your skirt sends a message to others about what type of person you are, what your goals and aspirations are, and any rebellious daddy issues you may be carrying.  Luckily for you ladies I have done almost all the leg work for you (no pun intended).  I have compiled a modest list of options to help you make a decision that is more fitting.

      The sun skirt – This is a popular weapon in the arsenal of your average dick tease.  The flimsy material gives the impression that the slightest gust of wind will blow the skirt right off.  Yet, every year summer comes and goes and I never see so much as a butt cheek.  Girls, if you’re going to slap pasties on your ass to prevent this skirt from flying up then you do not understand the reason why our forefathers founded National Skirt Day to begin with.  Don’t buy this skirt unless you are ready to let everyone enjoy the fruits of its design.  This is also a popular choice for some of our larger sisters in arms as it tends to gracefully hide the nights when you chose to watch a What Not to Wear marathon rather than ride the elliptical with your hot, more dedicated friends.

      Standard black skirt – This is a common skirt that is known to stick around until late October, and for its resilience, we salute it.  However, not much can be said for the creativity of girls that wear this skirt, and if you are wearing it in the hot summer months than it should only be worn to coincide with National Unbutton One Extra Button on your Blouse Day or National Excessive Cleavage Day.  Also, this skirt tends to be a little tight around the hip area, so larger ladies should avoid this skirt at all costs unless they want to star in the new Jim Henson film, The Muppets Get Hammered.  Girls that wear this type of skirt should counter its commonality by following it with…

      Short Punky jean skirt with holes in provocative areas – This is for the daring skirt wearer that is willing to take a walk on the wild side and show the parts of their upper thigh that are usually reserved for Vice President’s in their companies and Pauly D.  I commend all of you women that flex your fashion sense in rocking this skirt and big titted women who combine this skirt with a halter top deserve your own Real Women of Genius commercial.  If you combine this skirt with some classy side boob, you will have guys clambering for your clam all night.  But, if you wear this skirt and give guys dirty looks for checking you out then fuck off.

      School girl skirt – This plaid classic has seen diminishing popularity in recent years.  This downturn can be directly attributed to the fall of Britney Spears’s career.  Ladies, do not let Britney’s fall from grace affect your willingness to wear a school-girl skirt with white leggings, a white button up and pig tails.  Sure you may get mean mugged by every girl from here to Japan, but what you will lose in girl friends will most certainly make up in attention from guys, and lets be honest…that’s what it’s all about isn’t it?
 
 

      Always here to help, 

      Wheezy F.

 

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